A family establishment in the heart of greater Northeast Philadelphia goes by the name “The Tiffany Diner”. Located off of Roosevelt Boulevard, I drove past on a Thursday and the idea sprung into my passenger’s head to plan a trip for the following day. There was a slight craving for an omelette that influenced this decision, and a calendar invite was created. Tiffany’s has an extensive menu, and today I will be eating off of it. This essay is to show my planning process for the perfect diner meal. Through analytical and logical reasoning, alongside a bit of personal taste, I will take you, the reader, on a journey through this decision as well as report back on the outcome of aforementioned choices. Tallyho.
The foremost and arguably most important question when one opens a diner menu is: “How hungry am I?” I am quite hungry currently and possibly a little bit hungover from the bottle of champagne I split with my roommate last night. I have never been one to eat a steak or dinner entree at a diner, and today is not going to be the start of that trend. Breakfast options, wraps, and appetizers are most certainly the way to go. Because of the slight hangover, the most logical option would be to go for greasy, which knocks off all the salads & wraps. Breakfast is the clear winner in this game and we will proceed as such to the Breakfast portion of Tiffany’s menu.
An ode to eggs is in order for the next stop on this culinary journey. There are so many ways to make an egg. There are two eggs in ANY style one could wish (as long as it’s hard boiled, soft boiled, hard or soft scrambled, sunny side up, over easy, over medium, over hard, poached, baked, basted or fried), steak and eggs, egg whites, and the all-encompassing omelette that started this entire journey to begin with. I personally have gripes to pick with the whole “steak and egg” genre because, quite honestly and no offense, steak is never cooked well at a diner. Diners were not created to provide the general population with a good steak. I digress. The omelette can give you everything you want: vegetables, bacon, ham, cheese, or a combination of all of the above. In my short life experience, however, I have always found that omelettes have too much egg and not enough of the everything else. Two eggs any style, on the contrary, are exactly two eggs, and you can choose your sides. At Tiffany’s, for example, I can choose bacon, scrapple, sausage, ham, pork roll, turkey sausage, canadian bacon, corned beef hash, or italian sausage. It’s also served with home fries and toast.
Speaking of toast, there is also the other end of the breakfast spectrum to consider: Pancakes, French Toast, and Waffles. These choices make up the sweeter version of the morning because all three options come with butter and syrup (also known as God’s gift to our tongues). Pancakes, much like omelettes, can have things in them such as strawberries and whipped cream, blueberries, bananas, and chocolate chips. One can get three pancakes together, or a breakfast combo that includes eggs! At Tiffany’s one can even add meat to their pancakes. It’s absolutely incredible. I would never order meat to go with a sweet breakfast choice, but to each their own. Waffles and French Toast feature all the same options and add-ons as the Pancakes on Tiffany’s menu, with the exception that ice cream can be added to a waffle, and that may be a bit of a game-changer in my eventual decision.
It wouldn’t be a breakfast menu without Bagelry. Literally the menu reads “Bagelry” as a section title. I am so excited to see this place. All of the bagel options on this menu include fish, however, and all I can think of is one time back in 2009 when I went to New York City around Christmas time with my first ever jewish friend and we shared a lox and cream cheese bagel outside of a bodega and it was so disgusting that I threw up in a trashcan next to the bodega at 8 a.m. on a Sunday morning. I’ll skip the bagels today.
After a lot of careful contemplation, I believe I have stumbled upon the best diner meal I could imagine: two eggs, over easy, bacon, home fries, and white toast with butter. The grease from the bacon and eggs will aid in my hungover status, but will also provide enough protein to get me through the day unscathed. I momentarily considered going entirely rogue and just ordering mozzarella sticks and a crock of French Onion Soup, but I firmly believe that my egg-induced decision will be the most logical and delicious endeavor. Stay tuned to read about the outcome. Although I suppose you will not have to “stay tuned” because by the time this essay is published, the Epilogue will be included. Please proceed to the paragraph below and discover the result of my diner experience.
Epilogue
Tiffany’s Diner was everything I wanted it to be and more. They had Mug Root Beer, they had curly fries, they had booths and pastries for days. My order was, indeed, perfection. I got a Mug Root Beer as well as curly fries on top of the order that I planned. The two eggs were not too much and not too little, the home fries were almost as good as Waffle House, the bacon was just greasy enough, and the toast was a nice finish. I may have found my new local diner. It’s not Ponzio’s or Waffle House, but it’s proximity to the workplace is unparallelled.
